I kinda feel like I’m getting ready for a big test. The test is called FET and I hope we pass with flying colors of blue or pink (or both!!) 😉

There really isn’t that much prep stuff that goes into a frozen embryo transfer. We have our new calendar which is pretty easy-peasy compared to everything that was on our IVF calendar.

 

Next week I’ll go in for my baseline ultrasound where they’ll check to make sure everything looks good. The weird thing is this time, my entire reproductive system will be kind of in ‘pause mode’ this month compared to a normal month. They don’t want my hormones doing ANYTHING or it can ruin the embryo transfer. I’ll be on medicine that will suppress everything, getting it ready for the two embryos just hanging out with the other frozen embies in the lab! (hope they’re making some good friends!)

I’m also on these again:

(I know, doesn’t it seem so backwards to be on birth control when we’re trying to get pregnant?!) I’ll be on these until next week to make sure my hormones are all in check and being boring i.e: not ovulating. I’m also on the pill so the doctor can have control over my system. They can decide how long I’ll be on the pills to determine when the embryo transfer will take place at a good time for my schedule and theirs.

It’s hard to put it into words what’s been going through my mind the past month. I’m scared. I’m nervous. I’m worried. I’m possessive over our frozen guys and don’t want to lose them. It’s just tough.

We were so excited and full of hope when we had our first IVF. We knew THIS was our best chance yet to get pregnant and were super hopeful and positive. I mean we knew there was a chance that it wouldn’t work, but when you put so much into something that you want so much, why would you even think about the negative? That’s not us, and that never will be. That being said…this time I feel almost like a bad person because right now I’m not excited. We’re hopeful – yes. We’re praying – yes. But I’m not feeling like how I did a couple of months ago. Maybe that’s normal for people who go through infertility. I’ll get there I’m sure. I just think how much of an endeavor this whole process really is is finally sinking in.

It’s comforting knowing that hopefully this feeling will be short lived. And it’s also comforting knowing that we are surrounded by so much love and support from family and friends. Thank you for that comfort. ❤

 

Today is like a fun game of infertility word scramble! Can I have a “T” and I’ll buy a vowel…an “E.” I’d like to solve! FET!!!

Luckily a lot of the medical jargon in the infertility world is shortened to 3 letters so I don’t need to redo my whole banner I made for our IVF cycle! (it’s the little things in life, am I right?!! LOL) Anyway, we are close to getting to the next step which will be our frozen embryo transfer, or FET. You probably remember we got 4 blastocysts from our IVF cycle. They put in 2 during the failed IVF cycle and froze the other 2! So this next step is transferring the 2 frozen embryos into me! Same odds as the IVF; 70% chance for a positive pregnancy test and 50% chance for a heartbeat at the first ultrasound — so definitely something to stay positive about!

We don’t have the exact dates or details yet but hopefully we will in the next week or so. It sounds like a pretty easy process compared to the IVF. A LOT less medications which means fewer shots — even though I WAS becoming pro status! I don’t care if it increased the shots by a million, I’d do it if it meant that we would become parents!

It’s been a roller coaster of a month as far as our emotions go. I was super busy after our failed IVF, which was good for me. It kept my mind off of the heart ache. But when that busyness stopped, the sadness returned a lot more than I thought it would be. I’m feeling a lot better than I was, it’s just still not all gone yet…and honestly I don’t know if it ever will be. You just learn to live with this “new” feeling of what you’ve been through. Just a couple of days ago Laryen told me, “you know I’m still sad that it didn’t work, I just want you to know that.” He’s been my rock through all of this and he’s focused so much on making sure I’m ok that I think he just wanted me to know that he still has the same emotions I do about it, even one month later. And I love him so much for that.

This has become a boulder in our race over the hurdles. The boulder is getting smaller and smaller every day, but it’s still there. We just have to keep focusing on the finish line: becoming a Mommy and Daddy. And we’ll cross it some day, I know we will. And just thinking of that makes both our hearts so happy.

When you work in TV news you learn to develop a thick skin very quickly. People are harsh critics and sometimes you need to brush it off, call it a day, and drink a glass of wine (or 2 😉). As weird as it may sound, I think TV news and infertility have that in common. You go through so many ups and downs with infertility it’s not even funny. And if you don’t have a thick skin to pick yourself up and try to clear the next hurdle you’ll never get to that final step – with that beautiful bundle of joy!

Today a viewer put this on our news Facebook page and messaged our Chief Meteorologist the same question:

First thing that went through my mind — wow I guess I need to work out more. Second thing that went through my mind — you should NEVER ask anyone that question. Period. Even if you think they’re pregnant, still don’t ask! Why do viewers think it’s okay to judge us on everything. We don’t walk into your job and do that! Third thing that went through my mind — if only she knew our story and how much that comment just makes my head hang a little lower and my heart hurt a little bit. I WISH I was pregnant. I WISH I was gaining weight to give our baby a nice place to live for the next 9 months. I WISH our IVF hadn’t failed last month. So many wishes came to my mind from just three simple words in one simple question.

I didn’t post this for people to feel bad for me or tell me that I don’t look pregnant. I know I don’t. It’s not that at all. The truth is — over the past couple of days, I was finally feeling okay. I could feel my spirits up. I could feel the hope coming back into my heart and my soul. I know it’s still there. This is just a shadow that is trying to keep me from being okay with everything and I know that shadow is slowly starting to fade even hours later. I’m sure tomorrow it won’t even bother me and I’ll be back to normal ol’ Lauren.

Oy vey, just another day in TV news! 😉

When life doesn’t go the way you want or plan I feel like you can go 1 of 2 ways. You can get negative, be mad, want to give up. Or…you can look at your life and see how lucky you really are. I know it’s harder to go the second route, but Laryen and I constantly TRY to see the positive out of everything. That’s just the kind of people we are and that’s the kind of people we always have been and always will be. This is something that we will pass along to our children and hope they live their lives like this too.

That being said: yes we were sad, mad, confused, depressed, bummed, hurt when we found out the IVF didn’t work. Our hearts still hurt weeks later. But you know what? We are so damn lucky. And we didn’t need a negative pregnancy test to tell us that. We know it and thank God for that EVERY SINGLE DAY — just sometimes it gets blurred between the lines of the busyness we call life.

I can’t begin to tell you how many AMAZING people we have in our lives. I honestly don’t know how we got to be so lucky. So many words of hope, love, promise, sadness, kindness, thoughtfulness, prayers have been given to us from the wonderful people we are lucky enough to call our family and friends. We’ve heard these words over the phone, in cards and letters, text messages, voice mails, through hugs, care packages, flowers … the list goes on and on. Every single word and gesture has become a permanent part of our hearts. And it will stay there forever. Thank you from the bottom of our hearts. We can’t wait for our children to be blessed with you in their lives as well.