I’ve been staring at the computer screen for a good 10-15 minutes, just not knowing how I want to start this latest blog entry. I wanted to put something funny or witty at first, then I wanted to write something sad, then I just wanted to cuss up a storm, then I wanted to leave it blank and just have the quote and not say anything at all. That kind of describes how we’ve been feeling. So lost and confused.

It didn’t work.

Those 3 words suck. There’s really no other way to put it other than that. It didn’t work. I’m not pregnant. And I think what Laryen said sums it up best: “It was a shitty f***ing day.”

We always knew there was a chance it wouldn’t work. Infertility is all about probability and statistics. The miracle that anyone is here is a probability all in itself. Babies really ARE miracles. They’re miracles if you’re religious and they’re miracles when you break down the science of reproduction. Everything has to be just.right for it to work. And for some reason, something wasn’t just.right this time for us.

When I saw that Dr. Huang was calling me after we took our blood test I knew that probably wasn’t a great sign. For a second I debated letting it go to voicemail because I thought maybe it’d change the outcome. But I answered. The first thing he said to me was, “Ms. Stammer I was so disappointed when I got your results and I was shocked.” When you have a doctor who has been doing infertility treatment for 20+ years and has won numerous prestigious awards in his field and HE’S surprised by the results, that tells you something. He went on to explain why he was so shocked. To sum it up, everything on the list checked out above average. Every embryo is graded on a 1-5 scale. They’re graded on the number of cells, how it looks, how it’s progressing, etc. The two embryos they put in were a 4A and 4B. Dr. Huang said that’s pretty much a 95%.  And everything with me checked out, so in a science world, there isn’t any reason why it didn’t work.

But, it didn’t work. We are in the 30%. 2 out of 3 people who do IVF in their clinic will have a positive pregnancy test, 1/3 won’t. For some reason, that is us.

He went on to say that it could have been (and probably was) abnormal chromosomes. We didn’t test the chromosomes when the embryos were developing because we said to ourselves in “real life, AKA non-infertility life” you wouldn’t test the chromosomes, so why do it now? (plus, it was A LOT more money). If the chromosomes don’t work, then it won’t work. It’s nature’s way of saying, no these cells don’t complete the person puzzle, so it won’t live and won’t thrive. That’s why even though 70% will have a positive pregnancy test, only 50% will have a heartbeat at 8 weeks. And Dr. Huang said it best “Even if you got a positive test today, if it WAS abnormal chromosomes, you would have miscarried anyways. It could have been now, in two weeks or in 2 months, but that would have happened.”

And that is what I’m grasping onto. As hard as it was to have a negative blood test, I would have much more wanted to know that NOW as opposed to having the “high” of the positive test and the “low” and heartbreak of miscarrying. And I’m going to hold onto that and I hope it helps us with this whole process.

But for now, our hearts hurt. And you know the hardest thing? We have to somehow find comfort in knowing that we will never know the answer to the ‘why.’ Why did this happen? Why did something go wrong? Why did we have to go through so much just to have it not work? And unfortunately, we won’t know the answer. Probably never. But once we do become parents we WILL know part of the answer. That will be why. That is the child that God wanted us to have. And that helps Laryen and I find comfort. We aren’t in control and we know that, but we believe and have faith that a miracle will happen for us. As Laryen always tells me: “We will become parents.” Just for some reason or another it’s supposed to be harder for us than for others.

Hold on little frozen embies. We are on our way to getcha!

We are getting down to the last couple of days until we take the big test! Everyone keeps asking me if I feel any “different.” Not that I notice — which I don’t know if that is a good or bad thing. I’m very tired and my boobs are tender. (a quick Google search will tell you it could be pregnancy or it could be from the progesterone or it could be pms– btw, don’t Google your symptoms, like EVER!)

We are still feeling good about everything. I’m proud that I’m not over analyzing anything like I have in the past. We know we’ve done everything we can to get us to this point. It’s in God’s hands now.

I’ve decided to post every few days since nothing really is going on (which is weird since we had so much to be organized with before!) I’m still taking my progesterone shots every night but that’s all the medication I need! 

I can’t believe it’s been one week since they put those 2 little embryos inside me. That also means one week down, another to go until we know whether I’m prego! And that also means it’s been 1 week since the Broncos won the Super Bowl! Wooooohoooooo! Let’s hope this week goes by fast! Positive thinking and lots of prayers continue!! 

I feel like I’m forgetting something. We’ve been doing so much and been on such a schedule with all the IVF stuff that it feels weird to not have anything to do! Yes, I still need to take those steroids and no, my butt isn’t getting a break from the shots, but other than that, the only thing to do is just.breathe.

If you would have asked me how I think I’d feel at this time 20 days ago, I would have probably told you anxious or nervous during the 2ww. But I’m surprisingly at ease. Staying hopeful and excited and prayerful. And thanking God for all our blessings. 

I honestly can’t believe we’ve been doing this IVF process for almost 20 days! I was looking back at some of my old posts and I am so happy I decided to blog about this. I can feel the emotions in some of my posts that I think I would have forgotten about if I hadn’t written down day by day what is happening to me and to my body. Plus, when our kids are being brats I’ll tell them to ‘go read the blog’ … it’ll be their time out! (Mom guilt is already starting!!)

And today is the first day we really don’t have anything “doctor” to talk about. No more updates from the embryologist, no more updates from the nurses, no more updates from Dr. Huang. Just have to wait, and be patient, and keep praying and hoping for the best!

P.S. I know you are just DYING for a ‘progesterone butt’ update: my left butt cheek hurts even more after tonight’s shot! I think we’re sticking with the right side from now on!

“I think I can. I think I can.” Growing up, ‘The Little Engine that Could’ was one of my favorite books. Now, so many years later, this book has gone back up into my top 10. Why you ask? Because we have a ‘Little Embryo that Could!’

Remember the embryo that was always a day behind the others? When the 5 were at 8 cells, it was at 4. When they were at the morula stage, it was still just 8 cells. Well – it proved TODAY that it wanted to be part of the fam! This afternoon we got a call from Dr. Ahmed telling us that he froze one more blastocyst today, and it was the our little runt of the group! We were so excited to have another one frozen, making 2 blastocysts ready for us the next time we want to try and get pregnant. And I just love that it was the little engine that could, proving that you should NEVER give up (even if you’re a little micro cell smaller than the size of a piece of glitter lost in carpet). 😉

I was happy knowing that we had ‘the pair’ already transferred and ‘the spare’ ready for next time. But, now we have ‘a pair’ and ‘a pair’! Makes me feel a little more at ease about the whole process. And that means we got 4 blastocysts out of 7 mature eggs, or 57%! In the example Dr. Huang gave us, the average number that get that far is 35%. So I’m so thrilled with our numbers!

Another day passes in the 2ww…hope the rest keep ‘choo chooing’ along like today did! 🙂

Man my left butt cheek hurts! I know these progesterone shots are needed but for some reason the left side of my body doesn’t appreciate it as much as my right! 

Still taking one shot a night and I also started Medrol, a light steroid. This is supposed to help with inflammation in the uterus so hopefully it won’t reject the embryos. 

  
So we officially have a pair and a spare! They froze one of the embryos this morning and Dr. Ahmad said he will give them until the rest of today to see if the others got to blastocyst stage and if they do then they’ll be frozen, too! We’ll know tomorrow if they made it or not. 

We are now in the ‘2ww’ or two week wait. A lot of people in the infertility world say this is the hardest time of the whole process because all you want to know is if it worked or not! Luckily I’m going to be pretty busy with work over the next couple of weeks (it’s our ratings period so lots to do!) and my wonderful friends and family have given me coloring books, books to read and things to help me to relax over the 2ww. 

Let’s hope it goes by fast!!!!!!! 

I am officially the owner of some pretty precious cargo! Take a look:

Those are our blastocysts which will (God willing) become our babies!! Isn’t that amazing! This picture is 4,000 times the actual size of the embryos! Say what?!!!! You can see in the one on the right that they already are separating into the two different types of cells. The clump of cells on the left will become the fetus, the watery cells on the right will become the placenta! Words can’t describe how amazing this truly is! And isn’t it hard to believe this is how EVERY single person is created?

I had to have a full bladder for the procedure. 3 water bottles later I was good! They use the bladder as a landmark to see the uterus on the ultrasound. That way they know that they’re putting the eggs in the right place!

We got our scrubs on and then went into the same room where they took the eggs out. The lab is right there too. It’s pressurized and a certain temperature that is conducive for the eggs to growth and thrive! The embryologist Dr. Ahmad said out of the 6 embryos the ones in the picture at the top were the most developed. He said he hopes the 4 others become blastocysts by tomorrow and then he’ll freeze whichever ones get to that stage. We hope there’s at least 1 or 2, but even if not we know we have 2 healthy growing embryos inside me right now!!! So crazy!!!

They put the ultrasound on my belly and then put a catheter into the uterus. Once it was in place, Dr. Huang told Dr. Ahmed they were ready. He placed the embryos in a different catheter and a little air bubble pushed them into place! And we could see it happening on the ultrasound — it’s hard to describe the feeling we felt at that moment. Then that was it! Easy peasy! I laid there for a 15 minutes or so and then we were off!

Our little embryos!

The happy (hopefully soon-to-be) parents!

I need to lay low for a couple of days then I should be able to get back to my normal routine. Dr. Ahmad says after transfer they’ll hang out for a while and then make their way to the lining and hopefully implant! And they’ll implant within 24 and 48 hours! So technically I could be prego pretty damn soon!

I have to take progesterone shots until the pregnancy test which will be in two weeks. So sore butt cheeks for a little longer but as long as it keeps the little bubbles in there, I’m ok with that!

It’s weird. I thought I was going to have all these emotions today. I was kind of nervous and anxious to see them, but I feel really calm. Both Laryen and I do. We know that we’ve done everything we can to get to this point. It’s now in God’s hands. He has blessed us so far through this whole process and before. We know that if the timing isn’t right now, the timing will be right sometime. And we have the strength to get through this again if we need to. It’s because of God, our faith, loving support from family and friends and our continual support for each other that we KNOW will soon add a few more letters to our names! That is — unless we decided to name them ‘L’ names, too. 😉

 The day is ALMOST here!!!!
  

Tomorrow morning at 11:15 we will get our little embryos! They will officially be part of me…it’s such a surreal feeling. So many emotions — happy, exciting, scared, worried, thrilled. I can only express it in one word: Eeeek!!!!! 😜

The embryos are still thriving! 4 were at the morula stage this morning, 1 should be there now and the little one that has always been behind is still chugging along…we’ll call that one the little engine that could. It is still morphing into the next stage but a little slower. The embryologist says it should hopefully be at the blastocyst stage by Monday so hopefully that means we can freeze it!

So in theory, we could put 2 in and freeze 4 more! Which is INSANE! If that happens that means 85% of our eggs-turned-embryos got to the last stage before transfer (the blastocyst). In the example we were given when we first went for our IVF consultation they said on average 33% make it to that stage. So we are counting our blessings for sure! 

Thank you for your continued prayers. Let’s hope there’s a lot of baby dust tomorrow morning!! 

If you ever have to do progesterone shots, just go for it — DO NOT hesitate like Laryen did tonight. He totally stuck me then pulled the needle out because he said it didn’t feel right and then stuck me again!! OUCH!!!! Yep, I was bleeding a little more than usual. But we got the meds in me…but still, come on man! (love you babe!)

  
We are getting to the end of our little embryos growing in the lab and continuing on to grow inside me! (wow that sounds so weird to say!) It’s like it’s almost graduation day! I can just imagine them with little hats on, moving over their tassels for their new journey. Yes, I’m a dork, but I’m getting excited for transfer day!

All 6 little embryos are still doing great! 5 are 8 cells and 1 is 4 cells; all still in the range for Day 3 embryos. So they’re still on track and growing like they should! The embryologist says Day 3 to Day 4 is a crucial time for the embryos. Only the strongest ones will make it because it becomes a new type of cell called a “morula.” This cell will have a whole bunch of cells before it becomes a blastocyst on day 5 when we do the transfer! So fingers crossed as many embryos as possible get to this next stage. They want the strongest and best looking embryos because those are the ones that have a highest chance of a viable pregnancy. I’m nervous to see what happens overnight, but it’s in God’s hands and we know that He has the best plan in place. Just have to breathe. (Thanks Mama for the beautiful bracelet!)